Facts:

• I’m the kind of person who will eat a messy cupcake and have frosting all over my hands, but will still browse Pinterest for 20 minutes using only my pinky and ring fingers before I get up to wash my hands.
• Turns out I hate brussel sprouts. Anybody got a recipe that makes brussel sprouts taste like something other than sewage?
• I always say “julienated” instead of julienned.

• Eric likes to go swimming at the gym. For a long time he used the only goggles we owned, which were actually mine, and which were definitely hot pink. As if goggles don’t make you look like enough of an idiot.
• Since it was just his birthday, I will assuage Eric’s ego by ending with this much more manly fact:
• Eric and I recently wrote our bucket-lists. I put boring things like “eat good food in Italy.” Eric, on the other hand, wrote that he wanted to be a sailor on a “real” ship (like the one in Master and Commander). I refuse to go with him on this dream-ship of his, so he ended up making a pact with our brother-in-law (who apparently also has nautical aspirations) to one day sail the seas together.

I made this on a whim this morning to top off Eric’s birthday waffles. (An annual tradition. What’s the point of getting older if there are no waffles involved? I mean really.) I had some leftover rhubarb in the freezer from these magically delicious Rhubarb Meringue Layers. Waffles and rhubarb are a match made in culinary heaven. I’ve made regular ol’ rhubarb sauce before, with sugar and water, but it’s got nothing on this version. The orange juice and vanilla give it depth. (That’s right people, depth.) Eric, after his first taste, said I could eat this sauce with a spoon. And then…we did.

Happy birthday Eric!

Today I’m listening to Two Coins by Dispatch.

Strawberry Rhubarb Sauce

Source: adapted from Allrecipes.com

2/3 cup white sugar
5 teaspoons cornstarch
1/2 cup orange juice
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
5 cups total fresh or frozen strawberries and rhubarb, chopped (I used 4 cups rhubarb, 1 cup strawberries)
5 drops red food coloring (optional)

Whisk sugar and cornstarch in a large sauce pan. Add orange juice and vanilla. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Add strawberries and rhubarb; reduce heat and cook, stirring occasionally, until tender, 5 to 10 minutes. Remove from heat and mash the cooked berries with a fork. Stir in food coloring, if using. Serve warm or cold. This would be really good on ice cream.

So what do you guys eat when there is nothing to eat around the house? I usually end up going for something terribly unhealthy. That or I bake something. Because I always have the energy to bake, but I do not always have the energy to make real food. Funny how that works.

Tonight I didn’t feel like making dinner because I spent the day deep cleaning our house. Eric’s birthday is this weekend and a clean house is part of my present to him. This is How To Be a Lazy Housewife 101, ladies: Slowly diminish your chore schedule to the point that you are only cleaning when people are coming over, and even then make it a frantic 20-minute pick-up before they arrive. Save the real cleaning for birthdays and Christmas. You will be amazed at how much your husband doesn’t notice.

So anyway, after all that scrubbing and wiping and vacuuming, we were scrounging for food. Eric ended up eating a combination of leftover noodles, tomato paste (that was frozen for several months, then thawed in our refrigerator a few weeks ago; I was about to throw it out), parmesan, and lots of Italian seasoning. It looked revolting. It’s a good thing he’s usually not on his own for cooking anymore, otherwise he might not have made it this long.

I sautéed sliced zucchini and then put it in a swiss and mozzarella quesadilla. It was actually really good. I dipped it in mustard. Sorry, did that just ruin it for you? I’m telling you, it was really good.

Check out this wicked lookin’ jam, people. Kiwi Lime. Yes. Are you thinking about how lame you are for never having come up with such a glorious combination? Because I definitely was the whole time I made this. Kiwi lime!! This is why food is so great. We will never run out of new flavor combos. My hilarious friend Ami over at bunkers down posted this recipe a while back, and when we received several kiwi in our co-op last week, I knew the produce gods were smiling upon me.

I know those black seeds look formidable, but you don’t really notice them. They are not like raspberry seeds, which are completely indestructible, and which also happen to be the exact size and shape of my back molar; as delicious as raspberries are, there is nothing more odious than having those little seeds stuck in your teeth. Kiwi seeds, on the other hand, are quite docile, and can easily be crushed into oblivion.

I made simple biscuits to go with this jam, but now I am thinking of all the amazing things you could do with it. Tropical PB&J? Top off some oatmeal? Pipe it into the center of a cupcake? Mix it with cream cheese and spread it on toast? Eat it with a spoon? Yes, yes, yes, yes, and a yet another resounding yes.

Today I’m listening to Do you Realize?? by The Flaming Lips.

Kiwi Lime Jam

Source: Ami at bunkers down

8 or 9 ripe kiwi (about 2 cups mashed)
4 cups sugar
2 teaspoons lime zest (more! more!!)
1/2 cup fresh lime juice
1/2 cup water
1 (1.75 oz) package powdered fruit pectin

Peel the kiwi, then mash them in a large bowl.  Ami says, “Yes, peeling kiwis is a loathsome task that we all hate.  But persevere, this jam is totally with it.” She is right. I tried cutting the kiwi in half and scooping out their guts, but honestly peeling was the less loathsome of the two. Instead of mashing the kiwi I actually put them in my Kitchenaid and paddled them into submission. (Use a cover if you do this. I definitely had a couple whole kiwis fly out and smack into the wall.) Then I used a masher to finish up.

Add sugar and lime zest.  Let this fruit mixture stand for ten minutes.

While the kiwis are resting, combine water and lime juice in a large saucepan.  Stir in the powdered fruit pectin. Bring this to boil over high heat.  Boil it hard for one minute, stirring constantly.

Add the fruit mixture to the pectin mixture.  Stir for three minutes or until the sugar dissolves. Remove from heat and cool for fifteen minutes.

Pour this into freezer containers (leaving 1/2 inch of headspace.) Let stand at room temperature for 24 hours before serving or storing.  Kiwi-lime jam keeps in the refrigerator for three weeks or in the freezer for a year.

Makes about five cups.

Charlotte is the Kiwi Lime Queen.

I had a dream the other night that me and an old friend of mine made peanut butter and frosting sandwiches. They were incredible. They were also in my dreams, so who knows what kind of lies my brain might have been feeding me. What do you guys think?

Let me introduce you to the most amazing Malaysian pizza you will ever eat. (If I’m going to use such a blatant hyperbole, I have to throw in a qualifier like “Malaysian.” Because sometimes nothing beats good ol’ pepperoni and I don’t want you coming at me with pitchforks. But I guarantee you will never find a better Malaysian-inspired pizza.)

This really is one of my favorite pizza recipes though. It is spicy and Asian and I love it, even though Asian food and I are not always on the best of terms.

As I kneaded the dough for the crust (and by “kneaded” I mean “flipped my Kitchenaid switch on”) I was reminded of the classic family legend of The Dough Hook. My mom used to have a stand mixer straight from the 80s, with the classic spiral dough hooks. Just a convenient way to combine food, right? Wrong. Never underestimate the ingenuity/stupidity of adolescent boys, who are 85% hormones and 15% hair,* and who can turn most regular household items into implements of death.

I don’t remember the details, I just know that in the end one of my brother’s friends threw the dough hook, intending to spear someone across the room. Fortunately he missed, and instead punctured the wall, where it quivered horizontally, knife-like. If that’s not inspiration to buy a stand mixer/take javelin lessons, I don’t know what is. Those dough hooks could save your life someday.

Today I’m listening to Anna (El Negro Zumbon) by Pink Martini. It is such a fun song!

Malaysian Chicken Pizza

Source: Cooking Light

3/4 cup rice vinegar
1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/4 cup low-sodium soy sauce
3 tablespoons water
1 tablespoon minced peeled fresh ginger
2 tablespoons chunky peanut butter
1/2 to 3/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
4 garlic cloves, minced
cooking spray
1/2 pound skinless, boneless chicken breasts, cut into bite-sized pieces (about one breast)
1/2 cup (2 ounces) shredded reduced-fat, reduced-sodium Swiss cheese
1/4 cup (1 ounce) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
1 12-inch pizza crust (I used my basic recipe and froze half of the dough.)1/4 cup chopped green onions

Preheat oven to 500°.

Combine first 8 ingredients (through garlic) in a bowl; stir well with a whisk.

Heat a nonstick skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Add chicken, and sauté 2 minutes. Remove chicken from pan.

Pour rice vinegar mixture into pan, and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Cook mixture 6 minutes or until slightly thickened. (mine took longer than this. It should be boiling the whole time, so stick around and stir.) Return chicken to pan; cook 1 minute or until chicken is done. (Mixture will be consistency of thick syrup.)

Sprinkle cheeses over prepared crust**, leaving a 1/2-inch border, and top with chicken mixture. Bake at 500° for 9-12 minutes on bottom rack in oven. Sprinkle with green onions. Place pizza on a cutting board; let stand 5 minutes.

*You get 1,000 awesome points if you recognize this quote from the classic teenage novel Dating: No Guts, No Glory by Joni Hilton.

**Whenever I make pizza, I roll out the dough onto parchment paper, rub the whole thing with olive oil, and use a baking sheet to transfer the dough to the pizza stone (still on the paper). I let it cook in the heated oven for one minute, then I take it out (still on the paper) and proceed with my recipe. This helps the crust keep it’s shape. I started doing this after one too many perfect circles of dough that got destroyed en route to the pizza stone.