Start with the potatoes: Peel 5 pounds Yukon gold potatoes. Chop into even 2 inch pieces. Add the potatoes to a 6 quart soup pot.
Cover with water.
Chop 1 medium yellow onion. Add the onion to the pot of potatoes.
Smash and mince about 4 garlic cloves. You need about 1 tablespoon. Add the garlic to the potatoes.
Cover with a lid and set over high heat. Stick around to make sure it doesn't boil over. (no, i've never done this, why do you ask)
When the potatoes, onions, and garlic come to a boil, turn the heat down to medium. Continue to simmer over medium heat for about 15-20 minutes, until you can fork through a potato with almost no effort.
Meanwhile, make the bacon: In a 12 inch skillet, lay out 12 ounces of bacon in a single layer. Heat over medium heat for about 4 minutes, then flip each piece to cook the other side. Continue cooking for another 3-5 minutes, until the bacon is crisp and cooked through. Remove the bacon to a paper-towel lined plate. Leave the bacon grease in the pan, and remove the pan from the heat if your cabbage isn't chopped yet.
While the bacon cooks, prep the veggies. Chop your green cabbage in half. (Save the other half to make Fish Tacos!) Slice the half in half, and remove the core. Slice the cabbage into long strips, then chop the other way, into bite size pieces. See photos!
Heat the bacon grease in the pan over medium heat. When it is hot, add all the chopped cabbage. It's a lot! Pile it on! Look at how healthy you are! It will cook down, trust.
Add 1 teaspoon kosher salt to the cabbage. Saute the cabbage for about 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, cut the green parts off of one large leek, or two small ones. Chop off the roots. Slice the leek in half lengthwise. Run the split leek under the faucet, moving the layers around to get all the dirt out. Leeks are dirrty.
Chop the clean leeks. Add leeks to the cabbage in the pan after the cabbage has cooked about 5 minutes.
Chop 1/2 cup green onions. Add to the pan when there is about 1 minute of time left to cook the cabbage. The cabbage is done when it is soft and wilted, and you are feeling tempted to steal a bite. (Go ahead!)
Remove the pan from the heat when the cabbage is as cooked as you like it. Set aside.
Back to the potatoes: When the potatoes are fork tender, drain the potatoes. Do this using the lid tilted over the pot, flipping the pot upside down over the sink, if you can. If you dump it into a colander you will lose your onions and garlic. (It's not that big of a deal, just a heads up.)
Make double sure most of the water is drained from the potatoes.
Add 1 stick of butter and an 8 ounce package of cream cheese to the pot with the potatoes and onions. If they are cold, put the lid on and wait a couple minutes to let them soften.
Add 2 tablespoons Better Than Bouillon Chicken Base, 1 teaspoon Lawry's seasoning salt, and 1/2 teaspoon black pepper to the potatoes.
Use a hand mixer* to beat the potatoes for a minute or two, until they are not-quite smooth. A few small lumps is great.
Fold the cabbage and leek mixture into the potatoes. Taste it and adjust seasoning. Does it need more seasoning salt, or kosher salt? More pepper?
Chop the bacon.
Sprinkle the bacon over the top of the Colcannon and fold in slightly, or reserve it for individual servings to keep it crispy.